Love and Logic

This is a long post, but I think it's worth slogging through. I learned a lot tonight about what I already knew but had forgotten to practice.

Tonight I had planned (husband scheduled to watch kids, body clock set to leave the house after 6PM) to go see Jim Fay of Love and Logic parenting technique fame at the elementary school down the street. I had no idea what to expect except positive parenting tips, and I heavily considered not going since I don't normally dig these types of talks and I was perfectly comfy in my sweats at home.

However, the past few days have found me engaging in arguments with W about whining in general, going to bed without whining, and getting off the computer without whining (see a trend?), and I do not like to argue with my four-year-old. It's really quite gauche after all.

So I went. I'm so glad I did.

Fay kicked off the evening by telling us to celebrate our child's mistakes. Does this mean we should necessarily applaud them and be happy about them? No. It means we should let them make mistakes now, while they are 3, 4, 5, 6 and into adolescence. It means we should not protect them from mistakes, and once they are made, we should use them to teach our children about limits, empathy, and consequences.

Think about this: the most repitious thing your young child will experience from toddlerhood to adolescence is how his parent reacts to his mistakes or unsavory behavior. How many thousands of times do you suppose a child will be dealt with in this type of situation between the age of 3 and 11? Two things here. First of all, this is the time when your child, this little human being, will learn that actions have consequences and you as his parent stand by your word, or, that actions do not have consequences and you can be pushed around. You must set limits and enforce them. Letting them slip even once erodes your credibility. Second, this is the time when your child will learn how to view parental and all other authority figures. Do you suppose that it would be better for them to view you, the parent, as someone who is always angry and punishing them, or as someone who really feels bad when they break a limit and have to suffer the consequences but who still holds them accountable for their actions? This is truly important not only for your relationship with your child, but for our country at large. The way teenagers view authority figures--how they interact and respect teachers, coaches and law enforcement agencies--depends on how they view the way their parents have treated them.

Jim Fay teaches that the usual or "normal" discipline cycle for young children looks like this: A mistake is made. The parent gets angry. The child is punished. Mistake, anger, punishment. With this cycle the child learns that their parent is angry and punitive (and also probably that it's okay to yell and act out in anger). By extension, they may grow up with the subconscious belief that all authority figures are "the bad guy" and are angry and punitive. When this is the case, the child feels they have been victimized. Thus, the child parented with this cycle learns to feel as though:
A) he is being mistreated
and
B) any acting out against this mistreatment is justified by his victim status

The less usual, and much harder to execute, discipline/parenting cycle looks like this: A mistake is made. The parent expresses empathy. The child suffers consequences. Mistake, empathy, consequences. With this cycle the child learns that their parent may be angry or disappointed that they have made a mistake or misbehaved, but they are also capable of expressing empathy and following through on rules without losing their temper, or disciplining out of anger. After much repitition, the child learns that their parent, and by extension other authority figures, can enforce rules with love and wisdom and the child's best interest at heart. When the adult is not "the bad guy" the child cannot adopt the role of victim, and must take responsibility for his own actions.

Sounds impossible though right? I mean I don't know about you, but by the time I have to tell my guy to stop crying because he's not getting any more ice cream for the tenth time I'm angry and raising my voice.

Jim gave some good solid tips on how to actually do this. I didn't think I'd need to test them out quite so quickly, but when I arrived home W was still awake watching OT in the Stanford/USC game, and this quickly became a situation which would have previously been a big argument between us. Instead I used some of these techniques and we got to bed without a raised voice on my part (lots of tears on W's part, but that's okay. Children need to learn they cannot have whatever they want and that we will not cave to thier every demand).

So, following the principle that the parenting cycle should be mistake, empathy, consequence, we as parents need to do two major things. First I'll tell you what he said the two major things were, then I'll share some of his tips for following through.

1. Set Limits and enforce them. Always.
My kids are young. My limits are small thus far (and hearing Fay discuss teenagers really slapped me with the reality of how small my issues are now and how I'd better damn well handle them PRONTO). For me limits include deciding how much I want to allow my kids to do things like watch TV, be on the computer, eat sweets, etc. in addition to enforcing the fact that I expect them to listen to me about getting ready to go somewhere in time or eating their dinner or stopping a certain behavior (usually wrestling :).

2. Don't Engage in arguments about limits with your child.
When your child causes a problem regarding one of these limits/rules, hand the problem back to the child in a way that doesn't make you the parent into the bad guy. When your child threatens to break a limit after you've told them "You need to get off the computer" or something similar, DO NOT argue with the child by repeatedly telling him what to do ("You get off that computer right now!" or "I told you three times already to stop wrestling with your brother! If you don't stop I'm gonna...").

I have found myself in this type of argument/resistance/pleading/threatening situation with a raised voice a lot lately and I don't like it. What Fay says to do instead is to tell the child what YOU will be doing, how you will be behaving, and let them fit into this behavior. For example, "I will be turning off the computer in five minutes. You should finish up what you're doing."

And then, when they refuse to finish up and move away, you absolutely DO turn off the computer, and prepare for the arguing and tears. Arguing and tears from them is okay. Be prepared for it and rest assured it is good to let your child be disappointed. As Fay said, we have a huge problem these days with spoiled, entitled kids, and parents are bending over backwards to ensure their children are never disappointed. This is not healthy. This does not teach children about real life. You are doing your child a disservice if you never allow them to be disappointed. Powerful message, and one I wholeheartedly believe.

Here's where the tricky part comes in. What do you do when your child is acting as if their heart has been ripped out of their chest? When they cry, tell you it isn't fair, that you must not love them, that all their other friends get to use the computer more, etc.? The temptation is to defend yourself first, to say, "I do love you, That's not true, You get lots of time on the computer," etc.

And then, then you are right where that kid wants you. You're fighting for control and feeling guilty or angry or otherwise argumentative. Instead, and this was the best thing I learned tonight, have ONE signle empathetic phrase you will always use, no matter what the situation, when your child is suffering consequences or limits being enforced. Choose something you naturally say and can repeat, always, without thinking. "It's sad, I know," or "Bummer", or "oh boy" or any kind of empathetic utterance will do. You want to use the same thing every time to train your brain to jump to empathy, not anger or argument, whenever your child is suffering disappointment.

I learned tonight that studies have shown that empathy actually changes brain chemistry--that in empathy mode you are out of fight or flight mode and in thinking mode. This means that if your child experiences empathy first when a consequence/punishment/dissapointment is looming, they will receive the consequences of their actions in thinking mode instead of fight or flight mode. They will be able to comprehend, to feel, that the consequence makes sense and is not a result of their being victimized. Experienced thousands of times over during childhood, you can imagine what kind of effect this would have on a child's view of you as their parent (empathetic and caring and fair...or angry and punitive), as well as their own self-worth (capable of accepting responsibility...or a powerless victim). Fascinating stuff.

So I came home to W whining that he was huuuuuuungry and wanted Oatmeal, bread and jam, or Special K! If I hadn't just been to the seminar I might have given him whatever he wanted because I did know he was hungry. However, I thought this would be a good limit setting time and he was acting out a bit.

"W," I said, "you can have a piece of bread with butter. No sugar. Would you like that?"

"NO!" he said, "I want bread and jam!" Lots of tears. This is not my normal sweet W. He was tired (but still annoying) and raising my voice in anger to tell him not to talk to me like that was tempting.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I know you're hungry so I'll put this piece of toast and butter here. You have five minutes to eat it and then I'm taking you upstairs whether you eat it or not."

Screaming. Crying.

"I know," I said. "I know."

"Ireallywantthejamwhycan'tIhavethejam waaaaaaaaa!"

"I know," I said in a normal voice. "I'm not going to argue with you." I stayed there and looked at him calmly. "You have four minutes left if you want the toast."

Previously I would have continued to tell him to "Stop crying! This is silly. If you're hungry, eat the toast!" Tonight I just sat and waited. Another minute passed and W slowed down the crying fit.

"Are you ready to eat?" I said. "You've got a couple minutes left."

He took a deep breath. "Yes," he said. And voila. He sat right down on my lap, put his arm around me and gobbled up his toast.

I swear he hugged me extra tight when I cuddled with him and tucked him in. It was as if he was thanking me already. Mistake. Empathy. Consequence. I'm sold. Tomorrow I'm going to write "I know" all over ten post-it notes and place them all over the house as reminders. (Another of Fay's tricks).

It's amazing what relearning what you basically already know can do. Now, if I can just keep it up!

****

Additional Note added this morning :)
I should add to the above, that I had to leave the talk a bit early and my dear friend who brought me to the talk (I'll be thanking her for a while) filled me in on how it ended once we were both home.

Fay ended on a heartbreaking story about a kid his son grew up with named Randy. Fay's son wanted to go to a high school party but needed the family car and Jim Fay said no. Jim suggested he get a ride from Randy, but his son (who now runs the business with him) said "no, I don't think so." Upon further prompting, Jim learned that this neighbor boy (who Jim LOVED and had always thought was so talented and smart) had started drinking at high school parties and would drive home drunk. Jim's son made the decision on his own not to go to the party.

The next day, they learned that Randy had driven his car off a cliff at 80 MPH with 5 other kids in the car. All of them died.

It reminds you that we are all (and our kids) one decision away from life or death at certain junctures in life. Jim's point was his son's strong ability to understand consequences gave him the ability to make good decisions... and ultimately saved his life.

Not until last night did it hit me that this love and logic parenting was exactly what my own parents had used with me. For years I've been wondering what it was that prevented me from crossing the line with stupid high school stunts and suffering horrible consequences. I was at the parties. I was drinking. I was doing things I wasn't "supposed" to do. But somehow, I honestly never, ever got in a car with a drunk driver. I never did anything more stupid than actually ingesting alcohol, once I had ingested it. (You could argue the intelligence of this decision but let's face it, mild drinking without all the consequences of stupid drunk actions isn't the end of the world). I knew how to make my own decisions and I made them knowing that if I made a foolish one, the consequence would not be "punishment" but breaking my parents' hearts and treating myself with a lack of respect. This, if you truly feel it, is a much more powerful deterrant than the prospect of a few nights grounded at home.